THE TALKING STICK — A useful prompt for learning to take turns
In a men’s group designed to allow men to have personal conversations, I learned the value of a “talking stick’. When we first met there was a lot of random taking, ‘overtalking” and interrupting. The purpose, however, was to get men to listen and respond sensitively rather than superficially. For quite a few meetings we used a ‘talking stick’, which was anything handy that each person would hold when he was talking. As long as he talked, no one else talked. He could say anything without being judged, interrupted or advised. After each has his say, then balanced and matched conversations finish the session. Those conversations are then more personal and effective. Over the years we dropped the stick, but, humorously, we still hand an imaginary stick to the next person when we are finished. No one ever interrupts and we have kept the group going for several years and learned much more about each other and ourselves than we usually do in typical conversations.
This experience made me think, since taking turns and waiting are so difficult for both adults and children, that a ‘talking stick’ would be a valuable tool to learn to take turns and really listen to a partner.
PRACTICE TIME
Engage your child in a conversation and use a ‘talking stick’– anything easy to hold will do. The rule is that as long as one person has the stick, no one else talks. Just by exchanging the stick after each person has a reasonable turn (less than a monologue but perhaps a full idea) both the adult and child will have a physical ‘motor learning’ experience to cue them into the cadence and back and forth flow of a real conversation.
Try using the taking stick with your child five times a day: It may take a while to get the game of it, but once turntaking is understood, the stick will discipline each of you to have your say then silently listen so you can respond meaningfully and sensitively to his real message not just the partner’s quick interpretation.
Try this and tell us what happens. Taking turns is a very difficult thin to learn for both adults and children. The talking stick gives you a powerful physical cue that helps you wait and allow the child enough time for him to get his message to you.