CONVERSATIONS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ASPERGER’S SYNDROME
(And others who want more effective relationships)
It is perplexing to meet someone with a great deal of language but whose social life is extremely limited. The person knows a great deal but rarely has two-way conversations. He often insists on his ideas and his partners often feel disregarded or just tools for listening to him. Such persons are often diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, which refers to a verbal stage on the ‘autistic spectrum’. They often lose many social and employment opportunities, not because of a lack of intelligence but because socially and emotionally they have many limitations. I currently work with persons diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. While they differ in many ways, they have some conditions in common.
One, they show impairments in socializing in conventional ways, with problems in social play, modeling and turn taking.
Two, they rarely use language for two-way conversations, preferring monologues and, performances.
Three, they display ‘apparently’ nonfunctional behaviors such as movements and mannerisms that are often distracting.
Four, they may disregard or misunderstand others’ concerns and viewpoints.
Five, they have difficulty being included in society as they often are excluded because of their inappropriate emotional and social skills. In general they can be described as persons who have learned language but not reciprocal communicative relationships. They often know a great deal of information but do not know much about what other people need in relationships.
What is interesting about this profile is that many of us can get into such patterns of communication when we are anxious, rushed or it may just be part of our personality at times. As many are finding, effective conversations, involved highly developed skills that even the most verbal of us still have a lot to learn about.
With such persons, whether diagnosed or not, Communicating Partners often begins focusing on social skills that they may never have learned. We coach them to take turns, to respect and accept others’ ideas, to respond meaningfully to what others say, and to learn the consequences of their behavior on others and on their own well being.
Such persons may have been unintentionally taught to communicate the way they do. The heavy focus in early education and treatment programs is to learn language not conversationally, but in a directive, often rote way, that results in reciting language in monologues, telling everything they know. This academic base of language does not teach the child that language is mainly a two person event and that success requires listening and responding beyond just talking and having the ‘right answer”. Many expect that as long as the child learn a lot of language, he will have conversations automatically. That is simply not the case.
I have found that many parents and professionals assume that conversational skills will be learned in school. Unfortunately, may educational and therapeutic approaches do not usually support conversational skills? In order to have reciprocal relationships, persons with Asperger’s syndrome like Donna Williams (1999, 2000,) have had to struggle learning to take others’ perspective, take turns, and value continued social connections over information with people. Donna’s insightful books tell of a life of learning to have conversations in a world that is very difficult to understand and appreciate.
Communicating Partners teaches persons with Asperger’s syndrome and their life partners to develop genuinely conversational relationships. They learn to emotionally connect and empathize with each other so that neither feels alone nor disregarded. They learn that social connections are, in the long run, more important for successful inclusion than the cognitive knowledge that is usually the focus of education. I find that many persons with Aspergers’ syndrome really do want close relationships but they have never learned that they are possible and can be very enjoyable. My current work with adolescents reveals that they have not learned the value of emotionally attached relationships. And their parents and other adult partners can learn fairly easy strategies that help build conversations with their children
Currently, I am developing and testing a Conversation Learning program that teaches verbal persons, including ones with Aspergers, and their life partners basic skills for using language for authentic conversations rather than self-centered and one-sided talking. The book, Communicating Partners (2004 Jessica Kingsley publishers and Amazon.com)
describes many problems and approaches of this population. I hope to publish a clinical program for this population but for now I am interested in working more with families of persons with Aspergers and offering training workshops for persons responsible for this population. If interested, contact the Communicating Partners Center.